Mertua  vs  Menantu ...

...engagement ring -  wedding ring -  sufferings...

KUALA LUMPUR: Gara-gara perselisihan faham, seorang wanita warga emas tergamak membelasah menantu perempuannya dengan batang kayu, selain mengugut mahu membunuh mangsa sebelum menghalau wanita terbabit dari rumahnya, Rabu lalu.
Kejadian kira-kira jam 8.30 pagi itu berlaku apabila warga emas berusia 60-an terbabit tidak menyukai sikap menantunya berusia 34 tahun yang tinggal bersama sejak tiga tahun lalu, sebelum bertindak luar kawalan membelasah mangsa di rumahnya di Jinjang.
Pada mulanya, mangsa dikatakan bertengkar dengan ibu mentuanya sebelum kejadian bertukar ganas menyebabkan mangsa terpaksa melarikan diri bersama anak perempuannya berusia setahun dan menumpang di rumah seorang rakannya.
Selepas dinasihatkan rakannya itu, mangsa akhirnya membuat laporan di Balai Polis Jinjang, kelmarin memandangkan seorang lagi anak lelaki mangsa berusia tiga tahun masih tinggal bersama keluarga mentuanya.

Sumber polis berkata, kejadian berlaku apabila ibu mentua mangsa dikatakan tidak berkenan dengan tindakan mangsa menegurnya sebelum berlaku pertengkaran antara mereka.

Sumber:  Harian Metro 12/12/2011 - Muhamad Hafis Nawawi

p/s  My observations of family members and friends @ my surroundings from my perspectives...

Some newlyweds expected to spend their holiday and vacation time with friends or just as a couple, while their spouses' families wanted the couple to attend family get-togethers. For example, one woman who had been fairly independent of her parents was surprised at how much time her husband thought was appropriate to spend with his family. She was even more surprised when her own mother expressed jealousy over the time the couple spent with the husband's family. One mother told how it bothered her that her daughter lived next door to the son-in-law's parents, and thus spent more time with his parents. 

Some families joke more than others, and their jokes may be perceived as mean or inappropriate. Conversely, the family may be very serious and never joke—or perhaps only in a dry or intellectual manner. For example, one husband at first was offended by the sarcasm in his wife's family, but he began to understand when his wife explained that it was a sign that her family accepted him. The wife, in turn, felt uncomfortable with the husband's family because they never joked and instead used very caring, supportive language, which seemed insincere to her. Sometimes the newcomers tried to change communication with their in-laws and lighten up family interactions by introducing more humor—and usually this was welcomed.

Smaller families tend to engage in single group conversation without interruptions. For larger families, the conversation may be free-wheeling and fragmented among a number of conversational partners. Two women who came from small families spoke of how overwhelmed and shy they felt in their husbands' families that usually numbered 20 or more during their frequent gatherings. In contrast, their husbands felt uncomfortable with their wives' small family get-togethers, where a private conversation that didn't include the whole group was considered rude. Even one-on-one conversations between in-laws can be problematic because some people are uncomfortable with silences in the conversation and thus do too much talking, or one person self-reveals more than the other is comfortable with. For example, one woman said that she didn't feel close to her daughter-in-law because their conversations focused on trivial topics instead of the deep self-reflective conversation that the mother-in-law wanted.

What makes these issues problematic for in-laws is that the troublesome people are new members of  the family who are loved by someone we love, and with whom we expect to have a long-term relationship. The problem with negotiating these routines is that families usually like their routines, don't want to change them, and have difficulty talking about them. Parents-in-law associate change with the new spouse, and therefore the newcomer is cast as problematic because he or she has brought change to the family.

Bringing a new member into the family also changed communication among adult children. Siblings-in-law usually welcomed these changes. The spouses of their siblings had different opinions and often treated the siblings-in-law like adults instead of children. Thus, the newcomer was welcomed as an agent of change who helped the family-of-childhood to evolve into the family-of-adulthood. The siblings turned to their siblings-in-law for new advice, help, and respect, which changed the communication routines in the family.

Perhaps some might say that they had merged their in-law families. In other words, the parents (and sometimes other family members) of a son- or daughter-in-law were invited to family get-togethers as a way to reduce the problem of the couple dividing time between families. Thus, it is a useful and refreshing addition to the family routines, which also helped them to understand the differences in family dynamics.

p/s  to have good relationships with in-laws one might reframe the issue in terms of communication routines. In-laws aren't necessarily troublesome people—they just communicate in a different way. No matter how demographically similar families might be, they are different; and no matter how much one may want them to stay the same, families change. In order to have a peaceful and productive transition when a family member marries, one should examine the differences in how one communicate and be willing to make some adjustments to make the newcomer feel comfortable in a changed and changing family. Perhaps one should perform a SWOT analysis (Strength, Weakness, Opportunity and Threat). No matter how much one prepares for marriage its never enough. Its' just western concept to dramatize demanding spouses these days. I am sure and we can confirm this by asking our own parents how much preparation they did for their marriages and how much of that was actually but yet they are able to raise great kids, like ourselves and our siblings. MashaAllah. Experience teaches everyone and let natural recourse take its own time. The solution: Make Doa. First and foremost, I would sure pray to Allah that He bless my parents and honour them in both worlds. Then I pray to Allah to bless me with a husband who will understand the situation that i am it. At least he will have me emotionally. And I pray to Allah that when i become parent, I do not repeat the parenting mistakes of some other parents whom i knew and heard of.

***  single; couple; married; a family -  nightmare ???

i hate  nitemares...especially when its  home alone ... ;-p      

...remembered watching this malay drama mertua vs menantu last year, TV3...hilarious ;-D